You will have to forgive me this time around, I'm a little raw. I've had to go through with something I didn't want to do, yet I had to.
You may have heard me gloss over something I didn't want to do, well, this was it.
I had to hurt someone.
I've been dating a girl for a while and she's the most undeserving of the pain I had to inflict. If in anyway I could have spared her, I would have.
I've been agonising over how things didn't feel right and how I was feeling miserable, opting to sacrifice myself rather than hurt another. I'd begun loosing sleep, having horrific nightmares when I did sleep. I'd feel fatigued and restless all the time...
To say I wasn't doing good was an understatement.
I had been trying to find meaning to life, a way to make things OK again, I abandoned personal projects to make time for the relationship, it was never enough.
I tried to pretend, to convince myself that I'd feel better soon, I didn't.
I wrestled with feeling like crap, felt like I was lying on a daily basis and I just couldn't do it anymore.
I just ended it this week.
It hurt, a lot. I imagine it her hurt more.
I didn't fall out of love or stop caring, it just wasn't right and I needed to end it before any further pain was caused. I don't like causing pain, and I take it hard if I am left with no choice. I felt weak, unable to go through with it.
I've been there, I've been rejected and cast aside, I know from the darkest deepest depths of my heart the sheer agony it is to have someone whom you care for reject you.
It wrenches my own heart to think that I've done that to someone else.
Some choices suck, there's no good or bad choice, just the only choice and it's bad, but it's worse if you refuse to make it.
This is one of those numb moments where I just have to trust in God that I've done the right thing. It feels like I have, but I still feel bad.
This is definitely a Romans 8:28 moment:
"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose."
I dunno how it's going to be worked to the good, I guess I just have to trust that it is.
At the end of the day I think Hebrews 11:1 sums it up nicely.
"Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see."
I don't see how this will work to the good, but I hope for it and if I have faith for that then I can be confident in the knowledge that it will.
Some choices suck, but we just have to make them anyway and let God do the rest. He has to, because I don't want anyone to hurt for any longer than they have to...
This is the challenging this of attempting to live an open and transparent life, something significant happens and I can't quite focus on what I wanted to, don't worry normal services will resume next time.